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Friday, July 07, 2006
Pour le premier fois dans ma vie . . . I feel suicidal.

Two weeks seem like a long long time. Oh yes it does. SLC seems like eons ago now. And when we (four cucumbers) went out on Monday, it was exactly two weeks since we first met. But it really has felt like so much longer. (: but at the same time, these two weeks have been the two shortest weeks, ever. Where does all the time fly to? Monday just flew through to Friday and voila. We've (barely) survived yet another five tests and are looking forward to the next onslaught once the week starts again.

But anyway, on to brighter things, like when we went out on Monday. Okay I know I really shouldn't have. I was so afraid of telling my Mommy when I did indeed fall sick on Tuesday as she had predicted I would. (Oops.) But ohwells. It was really fun. (((: heyy people, we should do it again some day okay. Or well, whatever we do, just go hang out and chill or something.

While I hope we can really keep in touch, and while we have agreed that we will (as far as possible), we do also have to recognise that 'tis falling apart slightly already. You know, we always have childish ideals. And sometimes, when we come up with them, we really do for that moment, manage to convince ourselves, to actually believe in what we're saying and imagining. And sometimes we can even see ourselves doing just that. I'm rather much disillusioned now. Hey, what happened to our two million dollar catamaran and sailing around the world, maybe getting drunk on our boat huh. What's with the pretty night sky and stargazing.

Hey someone tell me, what is the lure of money? A million bucks may sound like a lot but I think it's spent really easily anyway. And I think it's really sad. I know to them it's worth it. And considering how things are with little possibility of continuation down this line, it probably is. But it's something I hold close to my heart. And personally, if the choice were left up to me, I wouldn't give it up for any amount in the world.

We all have skeletons in our cupboards. But for me, it's not enough to merely keep this cupboard locked under bolt and key. I try, I shall try at least, to bury this entire cupboard too. Under the deepest ocean bed, to the lowest depths of the underworld; wherever it goes, I really don't care. Just to hope that the further away I hide it, the deeper down I bury it, it might really go away, and that I may really forget it.
Sometimes, ignorance is truly bliss. Now, I'm afraid. I'm very afraid. Please tell me what I saw and imagine isn't what I saw and imagine. Please tell me I'm wrong, I've got it all wrong. And even if it should be the worst possible thing that I am imagining, that I'm fearing, oh God, please put an end to this. I should trust you right?

It was... forgettable. There is no second chance, is there? I really hope for one. Gimme another chance, won't you? To say what I left unsaid. Because I believe I can get it right this time; I can make it good.

It's time to pick up the pace. But oh help, I'm still crawling, still struggling.

And should it be possible, let me die the death of a thousand cuts.

And in your fear, you cry. But what can the tears do?

Where is your faith, when I need it the most?

` and i know it's only in my mind

|Xiang *| 9:49 PM|


Saturday, June 24, 2006
This is upon Kevin's request. Haha. And also because SLC was really fantastic and it's one of those nice things one would like to write about and remember. (: Haha. So basically, this blog entry is about how SLC was really very good fun and more importantly, how GROUP C ROCKED A LOT.

So yupp, this post is dedicated to all cool cucumbers. Here goes!

Group C! You guys are seriously the best mann. Haha. I think Serene and I as facils couldn't ask for a better group. And hey Serene, haha yah, don't know why so qiao we always end up together but yupp, I couldn't ask for a better fellow-facil! :D thanks all for making SLC super duper fun! Yay. And for leaving me with really nice memories, like of the crazy things we did. Haha. ;) I (really really really okay) love you guys! And we are the courageous, coolest, craziest cucumbers! :D hahaha. All the way Group C! And hey, I will journey with you. (:

Yupp. "And so ends my (blog entry)". :P

|Xiang *| 1:27 AM|


Monday, May 22, 2006
I'm utterly disgusted and disappointed. So you think you are the best? Far from it. Even the best know they have areas on which to improve. Even the best listen to and accept the opinions and constructive criticisms of others. Others whom they know can help. And yet, when people - obviously better people try to help you improve, you just think you know it all. No, the best do not insult. They are not sore. They take away what they can and make sure they get better. They are not stuck with this ridiculous belief that it's the world against them. Better luck next time? A better attitude, maybe.

Oh, my mummy has this really cynical view of the adult world. Like how it's hard and cold and unfeeling. Is it really? If that's how it's like in the adult world, does that mean that all little kids (oh yes, those sweet innocent things) will inevitably grow up with hardened hearts too?

It tears me apart. I guess I know deep down inside me what it is that I truly want. But is it a matter of keeping my options open or merely a refusal to acknowledge what I already know? If it's the latter, why even have that as what I want in the first place? Is it really?
Oh, procrastination.

I have only myself to blame. When I allow myself to degenerate to such an extent. I am the writer of this book. But somewhere somehow, I allowed my pen to move out of my control. And now I'm finding it hard to relocate it. To grasp it properly once again. So that I'll be able to add in my twist. This writer is lost. Having not followed her course, having allowed the waves to sweep her aside, she's now lost sight of her island. Faced with the crossroads, she has to summon all her strength to will herself in the direction of the right island this time. Can she?

` baby i'm a drifter

|Xiang *| 7:26 PM|


Tuesday, May 16, 2006
'Tis been a depressing, demoralising day. Oh great gloom. Sighs. And mounds of homework and (flunky) French controle awaits.

There's nothing that is left to be seen,
The truth is what has always been.
I've to put this line of invisible words so that blogger will leave a line.
On a lighter note, CONGRATS dear YELLOW badge for breaking! I'm so proud of you. :D sorry (once again) that I couldn't be there! ): nevertheless, all the way for quarters! Whee. :D
And XINGJIE, are you happy to see your name here? Haha. Anyway, eh, what happened to you on Monday? Boo. Don't miss school! I'll miss you lor. Remember to take care and jiayou! (:

Give me
A nice surprise.
You don't have to
Fly me to the moon,
To anfield or cardiff;
I don't need no roses or red army,
Nothing excessively pretty.
Just ...
Such presents-

|Xiang *| 10:05 PM|


Sunday, May 14, 2006
I'm proud to declare...


After the most nerve wracking game since Istanbul on 25th May 2005. Oh I do know West Ham was unlucky. But I'm not complaining. And Gerrard's goals were beauties.

Anyway, tomorrow's Youth-14s! Haha. For the first time in forever, our school is finally taking part in it. Go Yellow badge! You guys must be really excited. HAHA. It's gonna rock I tell you. Don't worry about not delivering the perfect speech. It's gonna be a great experience! (: really sorry I can't be there to support you guys though, much as I'd like to. French lesson awaits me. ): and (shhh) I'd give it a miss if not for the upcoming test on Wednesday. Anyway, just give your best shot and all the way! :D

Yay, haha watching the final yesterday, followed by a teeny bit of the qualifiers for the Spanish GP, I can't help but wonder how it should feel to be living like this. As in, for the players and racers. I would think it's many little boys' dreams to grow up to be a football star or racer. And it must be waayyy cool. Ahaha. I'd like that if I were a boy. And the match as well as Didier Drogba also made me wonder. Do players when tackled react immediately by falling and hoping for the whistle to go? Or do they assume it's gonna be painful and thus fall and writh in agony for awhile only to realise later it isn't actually painful?

Ohwells. Randomity. Hm. Upon Deb's request, I've gone to view the SN Debate blog. Pretty pretty. Good job Sarah. (: BUT eh, my blog's NOT blahdeedah okay. Just because I blog sporadically doesn't mean I don't! And yay, I love my team. ((:

this time it'll be different-

|Xiang *| 11:42 PM|


Saturday, April 15, 2006
What is this thing, pride, that so many people possess? A reason to keep going, a strength? A denial? That of a weakness? Is the possession of it good or bad?

Why do people feel that they are under represented? Like, in the coming General Elections for example. There must be certain quotas or a number of party members representing a certain minority race. Why is this necessary? Do we not all want to work for the benefit of the nation? In that case, why would we marginalise another race, also a part of our country?

Honestly, sometimes, I think I'm too idealistic. And that hampers my understanding of the world. Or maybe I just don't understand. A bit like the juniors when they case set that day. Will I grow up to understand one day? Or will I always remain this way? A bumbling sec 4 who won't grow up?

I guess everyone present there that day all felt cheated. not because they were banking on that thing- I'm sure we're not. It's just that arrogant, condescending way in which I believe they were treated. It's disgusting I tell you. And I've been disenchanted. And it's sad. Because I know that's what I want(ed). Because I thought it was better than that. And with this disillusionment now, I'm not quite sure anymore. Who wants to be treated in that way anyway? As second class citizens? No thank you. I'll reconsider. But in any case, I'm sure it'll not be the back door through which I enter. I'm better than that. In case you didn't know or had any doubts, we all are. We'll prove it to you. And that's when others will turn their noses up at you, you arrogant fool.

|Xiang *| 2:16 AM|


Sunday, April 09, 2006
It's been a long time since I last blogged. Haha, maybe it's the effect of proposing the motion on the banning of blogs. Or maybe it's just plain laziness. Hehh. In any case, I'm back to end the far-too-long hiatus that this blog's been on!

Well okay, maybe I know the real reason why I haven't been blogging. It is part of being exhibitionistic. Haha. Don't people only blog on the things that they want others to read? Similarly, they don't the things they don't want people to know. And I guess, that's what's happened for me. I don't want certain people to know certain things. And I don't even know why I care about people knowing. I've been more, or rather, particularly aware of it lately, I guess - how I care so much now about what others think. And I say now cos I think I didn't feel it before. Not so strongly at least. But it does matter to me now. Sighs. And it's not good.

Haha, went to watch a concert yesterday. And it was totally fantastic. Oh yeah. And I realised that whenever I walk around now, I'll look out for possible French people (this sounds odd) haha and listen to what they're saying. But the thing is, my grasp of the language is so terrible. So French people out there, if you see Xiang Hui looking like she's paying close attention to your conversation, no worries because she's most probably still struggling to figure out if the language is actually French, much less be able to decipher what is being said. Hehe.

Hmm. And after that, we dropped by Clifford Pier. And we went into -the- place for the first time in a long long while. There have been quite a few changes, naturally. But at the same time, it still feels... the same. Or maybe not. Maybe t'was only cos it was late. But while walking around the pier alone, I felt kinda scared - something which I most probably never would have felt at that time.

But besides that, I had other thoughts. Like how some people just throw money away on I don't know what. Like how, when some singer is on stage, they burn their bucks (by the hundreds and even thousands, in some cases) to adorn her with some coloured band for less than five minutes, some coloured band which the girls run off to remove immediately upon clomping unglamourously off the stage. They can't even sing and they're half-pretty. And I don't even know why people visit these kinda places anyway. And some people said that they (the people who visit -that- place) aren't even the high-end folks. And I mean, I can't help but wonder how they sustain themselves like this. Or rather, their lifestyles? And the continual splurging on stuff like these. =/

Hmm. Oh yeah. That aside. There's something else I've felt quite a few times lately - that simple yet reassuring feeling of... being my daddy's little girl. At a time when it's assumed that most teenagers would distance themselves from their parents, I don't know. I'm content to feel this way sometimes. I still remember the first time feeling it. I'd just returned not long ago that night and while talking to him and my sis, I just started crying while pouring out to them the injustice of everything around. And he just did something so simple. Something which I guess I'd neither noticed nor appreciated before. He had his hand on my head and stroked my hair in the reassuring manner that only my daddy can do. And I just felt so comforted by it. And I guess, I'm glad to be what I'll always be to my dad - his little baby daughter.

Argh. I hate the way my entries have this knack for disappearing after I'm done with it. I've just had to retype half the thing. In any case, like someone reminded me, part of being daddy's little girl involves sleeping early like my Papa would like me to. Haha. Although I'm sure I've much more than these to blog about after a three-month hiatus... But oh wells. A bientot, I hope!

` maybe i'm a drifter

|Xiang *| 12:21 AM|


Tuesday, January 10, 2006
As I was walking past the house of the cute little boy on the eleventh storey yesterday, I happened to see him standing at the gate (without his can-be-very-fierce-and-scary mother around him). I kinda walked right past, before the fact that the cute l'il boy was standing there slowly registered itself in my brain. Hehe. So... I reversed. :D hehe. And said hi and waved. Hehe. (But I think I scared him off? Or maybe he act shy lor. Cos he went back in and didn't reappear. :( )

Well I was wondering later whether little kids, cute ones especially, wonder why is it that people like to stare at them. Take that boy for example. Should he be observant, he should realise that every time people (yes, I'm certain it's not just me) walk past his door, they stop / slow down and crane their necks trying to spot him anywhere about the house. Does he know his ability to make heads turn, in a way? Or does he wonder why people do silly things like that? Oh wells.

I know what some people think. But please don't pass judgement when you know nothing, or when you've read only half of the book. Although I know I can't say you're completely wrong. But that shouldn't at all be the case. Because I know how the story should be. And I know you should be wrong. So I'll show you.
And perhaps I'll show myself too.

There's a feeling that I get when I'm with you
I need you
That thing you do

' I'm scared. And you wouldn't understand.

|Xiang *| 4:55 PM|


Wednesday, December 28, 2005
Firstly, a belated Merry Christmas to everyone! Hehe. (:

Time passes really fast. And it'll soon be the start of a new year again. Needless to say, the end of the hols are coming. :( how tragic. Bleahs. Holiday homework's a-piling. Baaddd.

Hello Xing Jie. Are you reading this? If you are, you shouldn't be. Xiang's here to remind you to do your homework. Don't be screwed like me kay. Like seriously. If you've read 'til here now, STOP IT! SHOO! School reopens in less than a week! *looks miserable* sighs. I shall just look forward to pigging out with you again. *looks half miserable* okay. I shall quit rubbish-ing too. (This is real. This purple thing here's an add-on after writing my whole entry, in case you think I said I'd stop only to go on writing all that rubbish.) JIAYOU okay. (: let's all try not to be screwed next year can. Yayy. See ya soon! (not that exciting a prospect if it's in school. :( )

There was a period of time earlier this year when I got kinda really cynical. I'm not sure about what. But I remember thinking that emotional attachment, be it to a thing or a person, was bad. Because really, in the end, if one doesn't want to get hurt, probably the only way would be to remain aloof and detached. And well, free from any form of feeling towards anyone/thing. Oh wells.

Maybe it's that (almost) everyone's like in a way, inherently Machiavellian in nature. Because sometimes I look at how everyone fits in and I think it gets superficial. Maybe not to the extent of being Machiavellian. Just... not real. Not completely themselves. Because how many of us can really be completely ourselves in front of others? Perhaps from a lack of trust, there's no unrestrained conversation, is there? And when I think back, I realise that it was superficial then too. It's stereotypical. That social butterflies are plastics in a sense. But maybe, surely the stereotype didn't arise for no good reason?

"She" could be any female out there. What distinguishes one from the other? What is one in the presence of another billion? One in a billion? :S

Certain stuff I've read recently and some in a way, discussions with certain people have left me wondering. Sometimes when one gets caught up in the superficial appeal of certain things, it gets easy to forget the original noble ideals that lie behind actually. And I must admit that I get like that too, idealistic in the wrong sense of the word. Because believing too much in noble ideals is idealistic too.

Pishposh. Sigh. I shall think of more indirect ways to say other stuff next time. This whole entry is trash except for Merry Christmas. And even that came late.

Wan Jin - Hello! Boo. The hols are ending and I haven't kept our promise of catching up. :( :$ I'm so sorry. :( bleah. Hmm. CCA fair's on the 7th, if I'm not wrong. First Saturday of the first week of the first term, as always. Are you coming? (: hmm. A belated Merry Christmas to you too! Hehe. And yupp, I hope you do come. And we can hopefully catch up and I can hopefully pass you uhm. Hehe. Yah. :$ miss you loads. Hope to see ya soon! *hugs back*

|Xiang *| 1:18 PM|


Wednesday, November 30, 2005
Our freezer is full of sin. The entire top shelf (that's half of the whole thing) is full of ice cream. And I mean full when I say full - there's nothing besides ice cream occupying that entire half of the freezer. And dear Ben and Jerry are the greatest guys ever. Haha.

Now, comp's over. (Not that it's over, it's just that we didn't get into the next round so yeah... =/) DELF's over. I can't say how relieved I am actually. It's been a whirlwind start to the then non-existent hols. DELF was pretty horrid thanks to the lack of time spent on it but I'm just glad it's over. And anyway, horrible as it was, my invigilators were rather nice and didn't traumatise me terribly or something. So for now, I'll just be contented that it's over and well, hmmm await the results I guess.

And now, to rethink everything and to realise the things I didn't do. I am such a screwed ****. Eeeee. How? :S ack.

By the way, anyone here has Haydn's Sonatas? I'm looking for the book and since I can't find the book, I'm now looking for some kind soul who has the book and who doesn't mind lending it to me? Hehe.

Woohoo. This is an add-on after I discovered some misunderstanding here. Haha. Erm, I'm not aware of any book called Haydn's Sonatas but I'm looking for the scores. Yes, to uhm. One of his sonatas. Oops. Hope this clears up any confusion! Hehe.

How did people become great? I mean, do you believe in fate? Because if everything was fated and predestined, then sometimes I would wonder what's the point of aspirations.

Excuses, excuses. Why do people hide behind them? I don't deny that I do too. But sometimes, how does one distinguish between an excuse and a reason? Is there a difference at all? Because sometimes, to the one giving it, it's a valid reason. But with the occasionally biased person on the receiving end of the reason, it turns out instead to be an excuse. Or at least, that's how I think. Because don't they think that these excuses are merely used to cover up for everything - from flaws to reluctance to downright inability. And with this point of view, I try my best to discern between excuses and reason. So come to think, I'm sorry to all those whose reasons I ever deemed or dismissed as excuses.

But one has to think back and be true to oneself. I do that occasionally. And I wonder if whatever was merely an excuse in the end. Just that, at that time, it really seemed like a real reason. But when I look back, I can't help but wonder if I could have squeezed out that little bit of time, found that stronger sense of responsibility in me, decided that something was just as important as the other. Instead of thinking that one thing was bigger than the other.
Excuses, excuses. Maybe that's what they all are in the end.

On a side note...
Hello seniors! Thanks so much! Hehe for coming down to support and staying for all three rounds despite our uhm not very heartening performance. Yupp, we will work hard and try our best not to let you all down. (: Haha, I'm looking forward to camp! Please say you all will be free okay! Hmmm. For now, enjoy your post-O's days! You all really deserve it. (: And at the same time, all the best with your choice of JCs yupp. Take care and Xiang loves her senile seniors. (:

|Xiang *| 2:52 PM|


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